Unwanted before birth? How early trauma shapes who we become
Recognizing that parents, especially mothers, may have unintentionally traumatized their children is a difficult and often taboo subject. Culturally, mothers are idealized as nurturing figures, which can make acknowledging that a mother may traumatize her child feel like a betrayal of that ideal.
In Identity-oriented Psychotrauma Theory (IoPT), developed by Franz Ruppert, the Trauma of Identity - i.e. the subjective experience that "I am not wanted for who I am"- starts with the mother and often originates during pregnancy. There are various reasons why this trauma may occur at such an early stage in life:
The Unwanted Child: If the pregnancy was unintended, the mother may either attempt or consider abortion, which the child survives. Alternatively, she may keep the child due to cultural or religious expectations, despite internally rejecting its existence. The child is forced to suppress their mother’s rejection and give up their own sense of self. The mother’s "no" towards the child becomes the child’s "no" towards its own existence (Ruppert, 2019) and children often develop self-hatred and self-destructive behavior later in life.
The Mother is Psychologically a Child Herself: If the mother “wants” the child out of her trauma-survival strategy, she may have a child primarily to fulfill her own emotional and psychological needs. She may seek from the child the love she never received or use motherhood as a way to find an identity. In this way, the child has a survival function against their mothers own unresolved trauma. This dynamic places immense pressure on the child, as the mother projects her needs onto them, consuming their energy and life force (Broughton, 2021). In such cases, mother and child become deeply entangled, preventing the child from developing a separate identity. Under this category also falls the narcissistic mother who demands validation, admiration, and compliance from the child, making the child responsible for her emotional well-being. The child learns to suppress their own needs, emotions, and desires to maintain their mother’s approval. This dynamic can lead to severe identity and attachment disturbances, chronic self-doubt, and difficulties in forming authentic relationships later in life (Määttä & Uusiautti, 2018).
The Mother’s Ambivalence: Due to her own unresolved trauma, the mother feels ambivalent about having a child. A part of the mother may want the child, while another part does not. This internal conflict creates psychological confusion in the unborn child, leading to ambivalence about its own existence (Ruppert, 2016).
Replacement Child: If the parents have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or death, they may conceive another child to cope with their grief. However, the new child can never truly replace the lost sibling, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and deep confusion regarding its identity and sense of self (Broughton, 2021).
The “Wrong” Sex: If the parents wish for a boy but the mother is pregnant with a girl, this can significantly impact the identity development of the unborn child. Later in life, this may contribute to a sense of not belonging in one's own body and feeling confused about one’s identity (Broughton, 2021).
Why People Reject the Idea of Prenatal Trauma
Despite the importance of exploring and discussing these issues, many people strongly reject the existence of prenatal trauma. One major reason is the deep-seated belief that unborn children are not yet fully conscious or emotionally aware. However, research has shown that the mother’s stress level during pregnancy affects an infant’s stress reactivity and physiological regulation (Foss et al., 2023) as well as that it can negatively impact the unborn baby's brain development and its ability for later emotional regulation (Wu et al., 2020). Traditional psychological models have historically emphasized postnatal experiences as the primary sources of psychological trauma, and thereby often completely ignored the impact of trauma that can occur in the womb.
Motherhood, Trauma, and Cultural Beliefs
Another reason is that Ruppert’s Trauma of Identity challenges deeply integrated cultural belief systems that illustrate motherhood as inherently selfless and nurturing. To acknowledge that a mother, often unintentionally and due to her own unresolved trauma, may harm her child forces society to confront uncomfortable truths about traumatizing family dynamics, generational trauma and the ways in which our cultural norms and parenting systems contribute to this cycle.
Furthermore, these discussions can be misinterpreted as blaming or demonizing mothers rather than recognizing them as individuals who are also victims of trauma. Every perpetrator was a victim at first, and unresolved trauma is often passed down through generations that causes traumatized and traumatizing family systems. Some people even perceive this discussion as misogynistic, believing it unfairly burdens women with more responsibility and disregards general societal factors that contribute to intergenerational trauma, and thereby reinforcing negative stereotypes about women and motherhood.
From a biological perspective, children require nurturing from their mothers, especially in the first three years of life. This early period is critical for bonding, attachment, and the psychological and emotional development of the child. Secure attachment to a primary caregiver, typically the mother, plays a fundamental role in shaping a child's sense of safety, self-worth, and ability to regulate emotions and build trusting relationships later in life.
Modern Society’s Disruption of Early Attachment
However, modern society often disrupts this natural attachment process. In many cultures, economic pressures and career expectations incentivize women to return to work shortly after childbirth. Maternity leave policies are often insufficient, and there is increasing social acceptance of placing infants in daycare at a very young age. Unfortunately, for many people these arrangements are necessary for financial stability, but adversely impact the mother-child bond, and frequently lead to attachment issues. Disruptions in early attachment have been linked to difficulties in emotional regulation, self-esteem, and relationship patterns later in life (Bowlby, 1988).
Moreover, society often regards career advancement and economic contribution as more valuable than caregiving. Women who prioritize staying at home to raise their children are sometimes stigmatized as lacking ambition, while those who return to work early are often praised for their productivity. This societal pressure creates a paradox where mothers are expected to be nurturing and emotionally available while simultaneously being encouraged to detach from their infants for the sake of professional and economic success. This clearly illustrates the dynamics of a traumatized and traumatizing society.
Resistance to Exploring Early Trauma
Additionally, the topic of early trauma also causes strong emotional responses because many people have experienced prenatal trauma without being aware of it. Denial, suppression, and defensiveness often serve as coping mechanisms, protecting individuals from painful realizations about their own childhood or their roles and responsibilities as parents. A key difficulty in addressing prenatal trauma is that we cannot consciously remember this time in our lives. Instead, we rely on the stories our parents and other family members provide about conception, pregnancy, and our early childhood. However, these narratives may be incomplete, biased, or even false, making it challenging to access the truth of our earliest experiences. More importantly, trauma is a subjective experience, meaning that what may feel normal or even loving from a parent’s perspective can still be experienced as deeply traumatizing by the child. Many parents believe they did their absolute best, yet their child still carries inner wounds that stem from unmet emotional needs, rejection, or neglect - whether intentional or not.
IoPT Therapy: Becoming Aware of and Healing Prenatal Trauma
IoPT therapy, through constellation work and resonance, offers a profound way to explore what is stored in our unconscious and uncover the trauma imprints in our body and psyche. These deeply embedded imprints shape our identity, behaviors, and emotional responses, often without our conscious awareness. When a child is unwanted by their mother, they must suppress immense pain and grief to survive. This suppression can manifest later in life, for example, as depression, dissociation, self-sabotage, self-harm or difficulties in relationships. Through the therapeutic process of IoPT, we are able to reconnect with these hidden parts of ourselves, process the suppressed grief, and gradually reclaim our sense of self. Research on IoPT as a therapeutic approach has shown positive results in helping individuals access and process early trauma imprints (Stjernswärd, 2021).
Recognizing prenatal trauma requires a shift in our understanding of human development and a willingness to engage with difficult truths about the earliest stages of life. Healing these deep, inner wounds is not a quick fix but asks us to embark on an inner self-exploration, and compassionately processing our suppressed emotions in a safe and trauma-informed space that understands the impact these early life experiences have on our identity and wellbeing.
—>> How does this topic resonate with you? I’d love to here your personal experiences and reflections on this subject - let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
Thank you for being here.
- Julia
Questions for Self-Reflection:
Have you felt (frequently) unwanted or unaccepted during childhood? How has this impacted your feelings of self-worth and identity?
What societal expectations about parenting have influenced your views on attachment and early childhood development?
References:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Broughton, V. (2021). Trauma and identity. Green Pharmacy Balloon Publishing.
Foss, S., Petty, C. R., Howell, C., Mendonca, J., Bosse, A., Waber, D. P., Wright, R. J., & Bosquet Enlow, M. (2023). Associations among maternal lifetime trauma, psychological symptoms in pregnancy, and infant stress reactivity and regulation. Development and Psychopathology, 35(4), 1714–1731.
Määttä, M., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). ‘My life felt like a cage without an exit’ – Narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother. Child Abuse & Neglect, 87, 1065–1079.
Ruppert, F. (2016). Early trauma: Pregnancy, birth and first years of life. Green Pharmacy Balloon Publishing.
Ruppert, F. (2019). Who am I in a traumatised and traumatising society? Green Pharmacy Balloon Publishing.
Stjernswärd, S. (2021). Getting to know the inner self: Exploratory study of identity-oriented psychotrauma therapy—Experiences and value from multiple perspectives. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 526399.
Wu, Y., Lu, Y.-C., Jacobs, M., Pradhan, S., Kapse, K., Zhao, L., Niforatos-Andescavage, N., Vezina, G., du Plessis, A. J., & Limperopoulos, C. (2020). Association of prenatal maternal psychological distress with fetal brain growth, metabolism, and cortical maturation. JAMA Network Open, 3(1), e1919940.