Our attachment style is formed from the very beginning of our life. It starts already in the womb, where we are directly connected with our mother and dependent on her for our survival. If a mother has unresolved childhood trauma, this is likely to get triggered with pregnancy. This may have an adverse impact on the prenatal bonding between a mother and child, and the unborn baby may already suffer from early trauma in the womb, as a mother’s emotional and physiological state impacts the unborn baby significantly.

After approximately nine months in the womb, we are born prematurely in evolutionary terms, as we are not able to stand, walk or even hold our head. In this early phase of life, we are very vulnerable and can easily experience trauma. As infants, we are unable to self-regulate our emotional and physiological states and therefore, we are highly dependent on co-regulation with our parents/ primary care givers. Co-regulation happens for example through skin-to-skin contact, comforting and soothing behaviors and when our caregivers consistently and adequately respond to our needs in a loving and caring way. In this way, we are able to develop a secure attachment pattern and trust in ourselves and our environment. We learn to express our needs and emotions, which has a severe impact on our emotional development. As we grow up and become more self-aware, our nervous system gradually will be able to self-regulate and we can (easily) move between states of co-regulation and self-regulation.

However, when our needs for secure attachment are not met, we can experience trauma. The avoidant, ambivalent (anxious) or disorganized attachment styles are the respective trauma responses (coping mechanisms) that we had to develop. The underlying cause for all these attachment styles is (often) childhood trauma. As adults, our attachment style tends to be a source of ongoing wounding in our relationships, as we act out from our unresolved trauma again and again. In the following, let’s have a closer look on the different attachment patterns and their characteristics.

Children with an avoidant attachment style often feel rejected by their parents. This can already start in the womb, when the child feels unwanted by their mother. Growing up, these children may also experience emotional or physical neglect, and are not able to connect with their caretakers in a healthy and safe way. Even when the parents are physically present, the child may not be able to connect with them emotionally and hence, feels lonely and isolated. Due to their own unresolved trauma, parents may also experience it as difficult to express physical contact with their children and to bond emotionally. This leads to many children growing up with a lack of compassionate, loving touch and emotional care. Consequently, these children are not able to form a healthy and secure attachment with their parents. Their unconscious survival strategy is the development of a false sense of autonomy, as these children have to heavily rely on themselves. They learn to shut down their emotional and physical needs and to disconnect from their need for connection. [1]

As adults, people with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional and/or physical intimacy. They may easily withdraw from a relationship when it reaches as certain depth, as they unconsciously associate connection with emotional pain and rejection and they feel uncomfortable to be emotionally vulnerable with others. Usually, people with this attachment pattern highly value their autonomy and independence and may come across as distant. They can find it hard to express or even recognize their needs and feelings, as growing up they had to disconnect from them.

Children with an ambivalent attachment style experience a lot of anxiety in their connection with their primal caregivers. Also here, the trauma can already start in the womb, for example when the mother is feeling ambivalent about having the child (the child may experience moments of connection and then again rejection in the womb). Growing up, children with this attachment style may experience unreliable and inconsistent caregiving, and the child cannot build a secure and healthy attachment with their parents. Unconsciously, the child is living in constant fear and insecurity whether their needs will be met or not and consequently, they are unable to develop sufficient self- & co-regulation abilities. These children may frequently experience short states of connection, warmth and nurturance with a parent, which suddenly are disrupted without warning. This feels very confusing for the child and can lead to an overactivated nervous system. 

As adults, people with an anxious attachment style often come across as very needy and clingy in their relationships. They get easily jealous, as they fear to lose their partner at any moment. Their unresolved childhood trauma is often triggered and their (constant) anxiety fosters disconnection with their partner. People with this attachment style are also often overgiving and tend to lose themselves in the relationship and the other person. They often find it difficult to self-soothe and to spend time alone.

The disorganized attachment style is probably the most complex attachment style, as it doesn’t have any reliable pattern. People with this attachment style can suddenly shift between the avoidant and anxious state and find themselves fluctuating between emotional extremes. Again, this attachment style may already develop in the womb, and is often associated with severe trauma, abuse and distress. Children with this attachment style experience dysregulation and their nervous system is often in either fight-or-flight mode (overactivation) or dissociation (shutdown) [2]. They usually experience unreliable caregiving and highly contrasting behavior from their parents, emotional and/or physical abuse, neglect and a lack of safety. They are unable to develop sufficient self-regulation and experience a loss of self. 

Adults with this attachment style may struggle severely in relationships, as they can easily get triggered in either their avoidant or anxious response and experience intense feelings, such as anxiety, anger and panic [3]. Due to their lacking ability to self-regulate, they can find it difficult to self-soothe and instead become overly focused on others for co-regulation. 

To summarize, our attachment style is an adaptation to our early childhood experiences. It can already form during the time in the womb, but is further developed and significantly impacted throughout our first years of life. Parents often struggle with their own unresolved trauma, which makes it difficult for them to bond securely with their children and to develop nurturing and healthy relationships. Consequently, this shows how trauma is passed down through generations and family systems. 

It is important to remember that despite our childhood trauma and resulting attachment patterns, we all have the capacity to heal and to develop a secure attachment style. As children, we often have no choice but to adapt to our surroundings and caregivers as we are highly dependent on them for survival. Therefore, we carry so many unconscious patterns, beliefs and behaviours with us that can easily get triggered in our adult relationships. When start to explore these patterns and ourselves, we can start to understand that there is nothing wrong with us, but that our attachment style was our simply survival response.

Luckily, we have a tremendous healing capacity and it all starts with exploring our trauma biography and becoming aware of our patterns and experiences. We may need some help from a therapist during this process, but there are also lots of other tools and practices that can help us if therapy is not an option. One of the most important points is that we need to learn how to self-soothe and to care for our emotional and physical well-being. This includes learning when to ask for help and how to co-regulate with others. 

I hope that with this article, I could give you some insights into the importance, causes and consequences of our attachment styles. If you have any questions or comments, you are welcome to contact me here, or on instragram.

Much love,

Julia

References:

[1] Poole Heller, Diane (2019). The power of attachment.

[2] Firestone, Lisa. Disorganized Attachment: How Disorganized Attachments Form & How They Can Be Healed. Psychalive.

[3] Poole Heller, Diane (2019). The power of attachment.